Keith Starky Explains Twitter

Daily deep-dive analysis of a specimen from the modern world's most exciting communication medium for penis humor.

Keith Starky is a leading researcher in the field of Advanced Sparse-Tree Social Networking Systems from Washington Polytechnical Institute in Indianapolis, Indiana. This "weblog" is part of his ongoing research in humor propagation and fluid reputation dynamics.

Please contact him at with any questions you might have.

I chose this “tweet” for today’s research due to its clear references to popular culture, because it seems that for my previous research many people accused me of being tone-deaf to the popular culture reference embedded within the referenced “tweet.” However, these people continuously refer to something called “The Humpty Dance” and my research shows no rhythmic gyration associated with the Humpty Dumpty myth, therefore I am forced to conclude that these people are in a common miscreant gang or on drugs of some sort.1

Or maybe both. Because that is the crux of today’s subject “tweet,” is it not? Witness it cleverly making allusions to Marie Antoinette's famous apocryphal crypto-aphorism, “Let them eat cake but they cannot have it also.”2 The author of today’s “tweet” makes a similar statement regarding the simultaneous having and the eating, except this time the having is a banana in one’s pocket and the eating is an erect penis.3

Despite the vulgar tones (for which I am sorry if they have offended you, but I am a Professor and I can talk to you about these things without having previously received a note from your mother4) I am encouraged by this “tweet” because of its relentlessly optimistic nature5 and by its flagrant lack of references to Objectivism.6

Anyway, I hope this quiets all of the people who claim that I am nose-blind to popular culture references. You people are starting to make me regret that I enabled comments on this weblog.7


1 Drugs are also known to rob a user of his or her sense of humor, making it impossible for them to detect intentional oversight and I know this because of the one time I took a narcotic known colloquially amongst the Native Northern Indianans (near Gary) as “warm milk duds(tm)” and proceeded to misunderstand hours and hours of jokes where they pointedly ignored their squalid living conditions.

2 This is actually a bastardization of her original statement, which was quite wordy and read thusly (translated from the original Danish):

"Let them eat cake and shit. Whatever. Jesus. They want to have it, too? What the fuck? I just said they could eat it. What, they want to put the cake on a shelf? Save it for future generations or some shit? Maybe I should just eat it, what do you think about that, motherfucker?”

3 The cake is just cake. John Moltz is well-known to love cake.8

4 Though I’ve gotten a lot more than that from your mother. High-five?

5 and lately ol’ Professor Starky doesn’t have much to be thankful for except his still-youthful ability to find bananas in his pockets at odd hours and with little forewarning.

6 Because it seems like every other “tweet” is someone closing their eyes and thrusting wildly with their tongue, which they personally and privately nicknamed “The Prime Mover,” hoping to encounter Ayn Rand’s “Meta-Normative, Selfish And Rational Ladyparts qua Ladyparts.”

7 No, I’m kidding, all discourse is great, especially when I get to write whatever I want here and all you get to do is complain in some stupid comments that I’ll probably never read again.

8 I’m not going to look up everything for you. Maybe the first thing you should look up is what the acronym WATB stands for. Because that’s what you are. You are a TB that has a WA.


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