Keith Starky Explains Twitter

Daily deep-dive analysis of a specimen from the modern world's most exciting communication medium for penis humor.

Keith Starky is a leading researcher in the field of Advanced Sparse-Tree Social Networking Systems from Washington Polytechnical Institute in Indianapolis, Indiana. This "weblog" is part of his ongoing research in humor propagation and fluid reputation dynamics.

Please contact him at with any questions you might have.

Today’s research focuses on a second “tweet” from Ms. Genine (previous).

But first, let me tell you something. My loyal TA of the past twelve years, Kip Gerhardt, is also a good friend of mine. So when he called me up this past weekend and asked me to help him build a deck in his backyard, I dropped what I was doing1 and I headed right over on my off-brand economical three-speed bicycle.2 I guess I’m a little absent-minded, because I didn’t even notice that it was eleven o’clock at night and Kip told me he’d recently moved to an address that Google Maps informed me was being shared by a local business that caters in the viewing of the feminine art of fireman’s gymnastics.3 When I arrived I was quite surprised, as it turned out that Saturday was also my seventy-fifth birthday. I will leave the rest to your imagination.4

I found it particularly interesting, then, that this particular “tweet” appeared only one day prior.5 And as I reflected on the nature of the groupie mentioned while staring into the (thankfully) blue, disinfected waters of my toilet early Sunday morning I realized that Ms. Genine was correct. There is a striking community among many “tweeters” on Twitter and a verbalization of that fact in such an earnest way was touching and underscores many of the very post-human trending patterns that I am attempting to study here.6

But perhaps further delvations into the deeper meaning of the term “groupies" is warranted. Interestingly, while some popular rock-and-roll musicians—the very people with whom groupies are normally associated—do appear on Twitter their "tweets" seem mostly focused on the velocity and frequency of the roll-over events of their kitty-cats, so of course I do not take this "tweet" literally.

Therefore I am forced to assume that instead the author refers to the underground clubs, or “groups” (members of which are idiosyncratically called “groupies”) where like-minded individuals get together to register their displeasure with the quality and consistency of their municipal water supply via letter-writing campaigns. Any subsequent reference to “animal stacking”7 would solidify my suspicions vis-a-vis her involvement in such groups. Luckily these groups have a largely negligible if slightly beneficial effect on society, and occasionally a member will produce a memoir of such surprising insight and poignancy8 that I encourage such participation in my undergraduate students.


1 Puzzle number 87 in a book titled Easy, Breezy, Summer-Fun Crossword Puzzles for Hip and With-It Tweens. Even though I am quite acute in the area I am attempting to bolster further my knowledge of popular culture. I got stuck on 10 “acrozz” for a good twenty minutes.a

2 She’s green and I named her Bikey Saint L’Orange which makes more sense when you find out that I’m colorblind.

3The Indianapo-Loose 500 Sexy Ladies is its name though it appears to overestimate the number of ladies employed there by at least a factor of two.

4 Imagination seed-word: “breast.”

5 Please do not cast aspersions on the character of Ms. Genine by implying that she has been monitoring my whereabouts and then employing a time machine to pre-“tweet” my activities. This would be highly unlike her, as far as I can tell.

6 Kip’s take on this “tweet”: “Sounds like a lot of fuckin’ and suckin’.” By now it should be obvious that Kip is a coarse, uncouth man-child.b

7 Street slang for the multi-stage water filtration process developed by Animal Stackers, Inc, which was founded by Arthur “Animal” Stackers in 1912. (The nickname came from his mom.)

8A River Runs Through It is but one example.

a Turns out it was “zacefron,” whatever the hoot that is. Some kind of plant?

b Kip is also convinced that this “tweet” indicates that Ms. Genine has documentation related to the, according to Kip, “probably insane amount of Twitter scrunch that Sween is getting,” though I asked him to please not elaborate.


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