Keith Starky Explains Twitter

Daily deep-dive analysis of a specimen from the modern world's most exciting communication medium for penis humor.

Keith Starky is a leading researcher in the field of Advanced Sparse-Tree Social Networking Systems from Washington Polytechnical Institute in Indianapolis, Indiana. This "weblog" is part of his ongoing research in humor propagation and fluid reputation dynamics.

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Sween Week Has Been Postponed

Kip here. Well, so Prof. Starky was going to do Sween week this week, but all sorts of things have gotten in the way.

  1. There was a little problem with some unpaid parking tickets that got Prof. Starky’s car towed.
  2. Locusts! Locusts! Locusts!
  3. The Canada Incident.

So, okay, he told me not to tell you about The Canada Incident but I guess I had better or you guys will email him and pester him and he really needs time to recover now that he’s finally back in the United States.

So, Sween is from Canada, right? Well, Prof. Starky has mentioned before that he finds Canada unsettling, but he was determined to get some good research done on Mr. Sween and so he figured he needed to observe him in his native habitat. But Prof. Starky had lost his car to the fascist regime of the Washington University Parking Enforcement and so he had no way to get to or get across the border. I ride a nice little scooter around everywhere, but no way was I going to let the Professor have that.

Well, turns out that I know a guy who knows a guy who has a big crazy panel van who goes across the border all the time. So the Professor decided to stow away in the back of the panel van—I guess I’m not clear on why he had to be smuggled across the border, but apparently the last time he was in Canada the Professor was a much younger, hornier, breakinger-and-enteringer man—with his economical, off-brand, three-speed bicycle. When they made it to the border, the Professor threw open the doors of the panel van and shot out of the back astride his bicycle, a maneuver which he practiced for three days in the parking lot to which he was so recently granted access (THANKS EVERYONE FOR SIGNING THE PETITION), but he mistimed his emergence in two ways:

  1. He was still in the United States by about five hundred yards AND
  2. The panel van was moving at about eighty-five miles per hour.

The details get hazy after that. He’s back home now, and I’m taking care of him, though if he rings that fucking little bell I gave him to summon me one more time just to massage his scrotum again, I swear to god I am going to join the Peace Corps.


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