SWEEN WEEK PART 2 JERKSTICKS
For today’s Sween “tweet” I have gone a little further back in time than I normally do, since I found the specimen so interesting. I am, you may have guessed, extremely fascinated with Sween’s Canadianousness. Canadia is a strange place into which I have very recently been barred entry, and so like a small child that is forbidden to explore his father’s underwear drawer1 I am now obsessed with it. Since this “tweet” focuses so specifically on various Canadian things, I had to study it further. A deeper study was both disappointing and surprising.
First, about Canada Day. In the United States, we celebrate a similar holiday on the 4th of July2 which denotes our flipping the righteous finger of freedom to our lame-ass parent kingdom (the United Kingdom).3 Canada Day instead recognizes when the United Kingdom decided to make Canada a real place rather than just the imaginary wonderland it had been prior to that, when it existed only in the dreams of depressed children and small dogs.
To say the very least, this is lame.
But Sween’s “tweet” instead makes a wonderful analogy. One that is far less lame and by extension far more non-lame because it doesn’t have anything at all to do with Canada Day. Which as I have said before is pretty lame.
In this “tweet,” the “maple syrup” denotes Canadian industry, “your eyes” represent the working man’s drive to convert hard work into Industry, and “Céline Dion”4 represents the heart-dashingly attractive but dangerously looming spectre of laziness that threatens to undermine the working man’s singular drive for greatness. Laziness, like Ms. Dion, is a Siren. Its beautiful cry burrows deep into a man’s heart. But take heed, Canadians! Place but a jar of the blood of your national industry at the window to stave off her keening wail of slothitude! Beautiful!
Yes, I’m crying, I admit it.
1 What was in the drawer, you ask? Nothing. This is an analogy. If you are curious, my father did not have an underwear drawer because he did not wear underwear as he was part of a naturist commune in Vermont. While there he formed a three-piece band called The Junk Funkies. As dictated by naturist commune mores, he wore the guitar very high so his penis was still visible to the audience. The drummer was forced to play facing the rear of the stage. It was complicated.
2 This holiday is referred to colloquially in various areas of the United States as “Splodin’ Day,” “Neck-Strainer’s Day of Delight,” “Fingerman’s Folly,” “The Night of a Thousand Yipping Frightened Dogs”, and “Habersham’s Sparklefest.”
3 King George IV (the reigning world champion of the United Kingdom) was nicknamed “The Rabbit” for his charming ability to procreate in only thirty-one days thereby producing an entire litter of cute and fuzzy royalty-kittens. From this the phrase “Silly Rabbit, Tricks are for Patriots”a was born, a phrase still in modified use today amongst Alaskan teenagers who fight over easily-abused prescription drugs. (The “Rabbit” in this case is the child most likely to be a “Narc,” which is a hurtful nickname for the narcoleptics who so desperately needed the drugs—the “tricks”—to survive the long, dark Ice Wolf season. The “patriots” are the tougher, less sleep-deprived children.)
4 My favorite songstress!
aThe “tricks” referred to in the original expression were a reference to fornication with a prostitute. If you read your American History books you’ll know why those prostitutes were so important. Ever heard of Betsy Ross, dumbass?
IMPORTANT NOTE: Sween week graphics are courtesy of girlmonkey, whom you should follow on twitter.