Keith Starky Explains Twitter

Daily deep-dive analysis of a specimen from the modern world's most exciting communication medium for penis humor.

Keith Starky is a leading researcher in the field of Advanced Sparse-Tree Social Networking Systems from Washington Polytechnical Institute in Indianapolis, Indiana. This "weblog" is part of his ongoing research in humor propagation and fluid reputation dynamics.

Please contact him at with any questions you might have.

I know. Sween. Again. Right? My email is already filling up. “Does Keith Starky have a research stiffy for Sween?” they all ask, using different words and foreign words and words that I can’t pronounce the same way twice in a row, like aaaaeeeeaaaaallbllbll. (But please, keep sending me your delightful emails. They are essential to my research.)

Yes. Keith Starky is research-gay for Sween. Okay?

I like short “tweets” the best. Any monkey with a typewriter, three or four monkey paws and a basic sense of direction can cram a lot of ideas into one hundred and forty characters. Look, I’ll show you.

The dichromatic exegesis of the alphabetic equinoid dead-ender doesn’t enumerate markings so much as disenumerate the spaces between them.1

See that? You can say anything in a buck forty. Less than half that many characters and you’re going to need a few more monkeys and some sort of industrial idea cram-rod.

I guess what I’m saying is that Sween is at least three monkeys (give or take the cram-rod). Here. Take a look at this one. I’ll show you.

Now when you read this “tweet,” here’s where your brain is going:

  1. Umlauts. Diacritic mark.
  2. Looks like eyes. Ha ha ha.
  3. Well, things that stare are scary, especially in Canadia where Sween is from.2
  4. Waitaminute, things with umlauts look German.
  5. Hitler!
  6. Back up, what about the heavy metal band umlaut cliché?
  7. Hïtlër?
  8. You’re pathetic.

Forget all that. What does the diacritic mark mean? Something about vowel sounds. Forget all that, too. Does Sween look like someone who cares about vowel sounds?

Vowels that look back at you. Vowels. That look back. At you.

Maybe I’m making this too easy for you. Without vowels, can we have words? No.3 The vowels are necessary. When they stare back, Sween says, they force us to no longer take them for granted. They are essential, but Sween wants to ignore them… except when a word or two needs to be created. He turns the lights down far lower than necessary to appropriately set the mood and turns up the slightly below-average-tempo jams and you can’t see the diacritic in the dark, baby, but it’s still there.

So, is Sween is a misogynist who yearns for earlier days when vowels (a.k.a. women a.k.a. can I be any more obvious) hadn’t even the social standing to stare down a Canadian with a hanker on for some wordsmithery, evoking neither a Heebie nor a Jeebie? No. But, men: did he make you rethink your attitudes toward women? And women: did he avoid embarrassing you? These are not answerable questions.

1 You heard me.

2 You see two little pin-small black things jammin’ you in your peeporbs while you’re standin’ in the middle of downtown Whitehorse with a half-pint of Ben and Jerry’s wearin’ just one sock, a secondhand Planet Hollywood sleeveless tshirt, two hats and a pant? You run, mister, and I don’t care who you think you are.

3 The Welsh can. I hate them.


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