Keith Starky Explains Twitter

Daily deep-dive analysis of a specimen from the modern world's most exciting communication medium for penis humor.

Keith Starky is a leading researcher in the field of Advanced Sparse-Tree Social Networking Systems from Washington Polytechnical Institute in Indianapolis, Indiana. This "weblog" is part of his ongoing research in humor propagation and fluid reputation dynamics.

Please contact him at with any questions you might have.

Today’s research focuses on a second “tweet” from Ms. Genine (previous).

But first, let me tell you something. My loyal TA of the past twelve years, Kip Gerhardt, is also a good friend of mine. So when he called me up this past weekend and asked me to help him build a deck in his backyard, I dropped what I was doing1 and I headed right over on my off-brand economical three-speed bicycle.2 I guess I’m a little absent-minded, because I didn’t even notice that it was eleven o’clock at night and Kip told me he’d recently moved to an address that Google Maps informed me was being shared by a local business that caters in the viewing of the feminine art of fireman’s gymnastics.3 When I arrived I was quite surprised, as it turned out that Saturday was also my seventy-fifth birthday. I will leave the rest to your imagination.4

I found it particularly interesting, then, that this particular “tweet” appeared only one day prior.5 And as I reflected on the nature of the groupie mentioned while staring into the (thankfully) blue, disinfected waters of my toilet early Sunday morning I realized that Ms. Genine was correct. There is a striking community among many “tweeters” on Twitter and a verbalization of that fact in such an earnest way was touching and underscores many of the very post-human trending patterns that I am attempting to study here.6

But perhaps further delvations into the deeper meaning of the term “groupies" is warranted. Interestingly, while some popular rock-and-roll musicians—the very people with whom groupies are normally associated—do appear on Twitter their "tweets" seem mostly focused on the velocity and frequency of the roll-over events of their kitty-cats, so of course I do not take this "tweet" literally.

Therefore I am forced to assume that instead the author refers to the underground clubs, or “groups” (members of which are idiosyncratically called “groupies”) where like-minded individuals get together to register their displeasure with the quality and consistency of their municipal water supply via letter-writing campaigns. Any subsequent reference to “animal stacking”7 would solidify my suspicions vis-a-vis her involvement in such groups. Luckily these groups have a largely negligible if slightly beneficial effect on society, and occasionally a member will produce a memoir of such surprising insight and poignancy8 that I encourage such participation in my undergraduate students.


1 Puzzle number 87 in a book titled Easy, Breezy, Summer-Fun Crossword Puzzles for Hip and With-It Tweens. Even though I am quite acute in the area I am attempting to bolster further my knowledge of popular culture. I got stuck on 10 “acrozz” for a good twenty minutes.a

2 She’s green and I named her Bikey Saint L’Orange which makes more sense when you find out that I’m colorblind.

3The Indianapo-Loose 500 Sexy Ladies is its name though it appears to overestimate the number of ladies employed there by at least a factor of two.

4 Imagination seed-word: “breast.”

5 Please do not cast aspersions on the character of Ms. Genine by implying that she has been monitoring my whereabouts and then employing a time machine to pre-“tweet” my activities. This would be highly unlike her, as far as I can tell.

6 Kip’s take on this “tweet”: “Sounds like a lot of fuckin’ and suckin’.” By now it should be obvious that Kip is a coarse, uncouth man-child.b

7 Street slang for the multi-stage water filtration process developed by Animal Stackers, Inc, which was founded by Arthur “Animal” Stackers in 1912. (The nickname came from his mom.)

8A River Runs Through It is but one example.

a Turns out it was “zacefron,” whatever the hoot that is. Some kind of plant?

b Kip is also convinced that this “tweet” indicates that Ms. Genine has documentation related to the, according to Kip, “probably insane amount of Twitter scrunch that Sween is getting,” though I asked him to please not elaborate.

(Note: If you’re reading this via your tumblr “dashboard,” you might wish to click through for additional images.)

An excellent “tweet” today. As you may know, I am infatuated with shorter “tweet” specimens as their ambiguity (and in some cases, near ineffability) provides far greater opportunity for the authors to hint at or deliver deeper truths.

However, today I have picked a longer “tweet” that seems upon first glance to be nothing more than a simple (but amusing) statement regarding man’s position simultaneously both above and among the “beasts of the field.” Indeed, comparing one’s abilities against those of the animal kingdom is both cheering and depressing, indicating that the definition of animals, the sum total of the very characteristics that make an animal an animal per se (nice teeth, glossy coat, cute little bunny ears, excellent ups1) and not something else (like, say, a nice toaster2) is a sine qua non for defining humanity itself.

This point is excellently made, and if 95% of readers come away from this “tweet” with only this single thought, then I (and hopefully the author) will be quite pleased.

(Rabbits themselves are interesting to discuss in that they represent something of a paradox themselves: they are horrible little animals,3 but they are also proven to be nature’s least hatable creatures.4 No one knows why this is.)

But there is a deeper meaning worth pondering here: in our ever-more-interconnected world, when carrot-biting aficionados can easily gather in their own carroty corner of cyberspace, what does the author say about loneliness and misanthropism by comparing herself to a rabbit? Does the author mean to demonstrate a world where attempting to excel at anything (in this case, biting things) is so confused by the sheer number of ways in which people can be and are now compared that excellence itself is a bit of animal nature that we now transcend? And to what end??

All in all, quite a thought-provoking “tweet.” I look forward to further excellent thoughts from the author.



A rabbit, in grass


Not a rabbit, in snow5

3 Mostly because you can’t trust one not to pee on you if you hold one in your lap for five minutes even if you are wearing nice pants, and don’t let it anywhere near your power cords because it’ll just chew right through those like they’re made out of rabbit candy without regard for whether your TiVo was in the middle of recording America’s Next Top Model, which is like the only thing that makes Wednesdays tolerable, and it knows you can’t do anything about it because it’s your wife’s rabbit and it knows somehow that you’re emotionally hamstrung by confrontation and have you read Watership Down?

4 You heard me, pandas.

5Photo by killbox.